Log in

I usually just play on facebook.

I just got over being sick, I'm still hacking up shit, but I managed to make other people sick so I guess my job is done???

I'm drinking a ceasar that my dad made for me, but it has too much vodka in it... bleh.

I asked my dad for a 6 of bud lime (cause srsly fuck limes, this tastes awesome and i don't have to bring baggies of lime slices for my corona or dos equis around, AND TRUST ME I DO THAT) anyway, he brough me a 24!!! YAY

tonight will be a blast, eric takes me to the only club in this shit hole and we dance away and make out on the dance floor hahahaha.
only tattooed folks on the floor. it's funny. i'm trying to find something a little less t-shirt and jeans, but I'm not having any luck.

just a pink tank top with a goat head and brass knuckles on it. might just go with that...wife beater maybe? i'll be a total babe. hahahaa

it's gorgeous outside and that makes me happy. this ceasar has hald ripped me. eric'll come pick me up and we'll go eat.

Never have I been taken on so many dates and treated so well. I mean, apart from having an amazing personality, he opens the door for me, buys me dinner and drinks, and we can fart in front of eachother. I definitely think that's a plus.

we're pretty close. at first I was scared, but I'm going to accept it. this is a guy who hasn't had a gf for 4 years, BY CHOICE... he thought he could get along with not having girls in his life, and i broke down his wall. I don't know what it is about me?? but I am a cool chick.

I drink beer, play videogames, laugh a lot, and talk about shit. is that not perfect as a woman??? okay i have other qualities, but i'm not about to pick apart my brains.

so...i'm guessing this job that i got, i will be starting the day shift on the 29th. THANK FUCKING CHRIST. i was not stoked to start 3:30-12 at night. I would miss dl incognito and everything next weekend. so...i'm guessing that if they haven't called me today, they will lemme know later on cause the shitty night shift starts on the 15th. wouldn't give me much time if they got a hold of my hungover ass tomorrow. trust me, tonight is going to be a fun night.

I'm torn between bringing my camera or not... my baby. the thing isn't super expensive, but 1,000 bucks is too much to bring to the bar slung over my shoulder... i'm going to attempt to go without a purse so i can throw down!!!!!!!! HOLLA.

i'm so stoked. they fucking play I'm on a boat every night i'm there...i'm sorry if no one likes that shit, but I think it's amazingly done and the lyrics make me pee myself a little bit.

so...anyway, I have to get my room cleaned up and the house vaccuumed, joys of living with your parents again. -_-

but I have a place for july!!! i'm stoked, it's with two of the most amazing ladies ever. it'll be funtimes.

I'm not even allowed boys over...i mean, i was engaged for 3 years and with that person for 4 years...if we were to have stayed here a night, he would have had to sleep in diff beds. how messed up is that?? also my parents sleep with the door open, i think that's weird too...

okay, i guess that's it for my super boring update. i'm doing so well.

all i have to say to people who are down, is that it can get better, sometimes all it takes is a huge change and the realization that you're wasting away something really special given to you. I may sound preachy, but this drink is strong.

You can overcome depression and shitty down feelings so easily, it's remarkable. I went from giving up on life and hating myself to having a passion for being alive again, all it took was losing something i loved. seriously, that sounds weird, but i'm so much better without that thing.

it's been replaced with a life. i have friends again and i love them. I think having that support is more important than anything else sometimes.

never give up on life. always live it to it's fullest. everything came together at the right moment to create you, make you into a fetus and nurish you into a human being. you're now grown up or maybe almost and there is no sense in letting that creation go to waste.

either you live or you don't.

the end.
Current Location: 705
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: Torche - Meanderthal
26 May 2009 @ 04:22 am
i think it's wrong when people give more than they take. you can only have what someone else gives you. you can never force your love and self upon others.

i was talking about this with the person who's stealing my heart away, he was helping a friend. i just think it's sad when love is so one-sided.

it should be natural and on both sides. what you're feeling should be what the other person is feeling as well. completely mutual. without it, you're really wasting your time. of course things can move faster in your brain, but i still think love is completely mutual and happens at the very same time.

i never expected what i am experiencing right now.

i feel a love for life again, and also new experiences with someone completely amazing.

i didn't want anything, I turned down someone already, but i couldn't help but get involved with this boy. he's just... quite a gift.

apparently i broke down all his walls. fully prepared to go it alone and uninterested in anyone. that intrigues me.

why me? is there something really special, is it something urging us both on? completely content to keep fighting down the road of life alone, but with our friends?

it's weird how life works out.

it's not fate when i say everything happens for a reason. a lot of people just take it that way. it's not fate.

there's just a reason in life why things work out the way they do and i believe in the end, it's all about happiness, if you've never experienced happiness, you've never experienced life.

I didn't know how easy it would be to pull out of my crazy depression by just completely turning my world inside-out and upside-down. really.

the bf's lil bro had someone at his highschool commit suicide. i can sometimes agree with it, sometimes life probably is that bad, but it doesn't take away from the devastation everyone has to go through. plus, life really ain't that bad when you get down to it. highschool should never be a good point to die. there's so much more to experience after it. so much more in the world. to wallow away in sorrow is such a waste of life that two people came together to create.

i really never talk like this, but it is a gift. to not appreciate it is sad. really. there's so much real pain and suffering out there, i'm surprised people can get to that stage of sadness with such good lives there in front of them.

you can't live till you're ready to die.

i was so ready to roll over and just call it. but...what a stupid, stupid thing to even think. all i want to do is live and be 23 and have a life again.

so happy that things turned out the way they did. i hope people who have experienced the pain of what i've gone through in my life can hit bottom and realize how stupid it is to throw your time and life away. such a collasal waste. it's all what you make of it and you have ABSOLUTE power over your actions and happiness.

the end.
20 May 2009 @ 08:42 am

it's surprising what getting out of a situation that you don't realize is healthy for you can do to your mental health.

I have spent the last two years wallowing in darkness. litterally scraping at the walls that constantly threatened to engulf me.

my relationship of 4 years ended. I was devastated. you couldn't even imagine.

two days later, I noticed I was already feeling better.... days would pass and I would smile more, I have been with my friends a lot, I have gone out a lot. I haven't had a panic attack since the break. I haven't even felt sorry for myself.

I thought I was so far gone... situational depression??? I don't know what else to call it. I won't say I am fine because obviously I still have some issues, but.... I guess two years of being unhappy and unsure about the way things are going can really take it's toll. he thought he was helping, but was just enabling me to grow farther and farther away.

the breakup nearly killed him. it must hurt a lot for him now, to see me so happy. knowing that it was where i was in life that was doing it to me. I'm just so overwhelmed with my new feelings about life.

I don't know if this is me or I just lost myself. I'd like to think I lost myself completely. I was so far gone.

I was so cold, so anti everything, negative and angsty. I never hung out with my friends, I pushed them away so hard. all I did was sit inside and waste away.

well...I am back at my parents house. I have just started seeing someone new. my heart feels like it's mine again. I smile a lot. I am with my friends almost every day. I'm getting my resume ready so I can go out and get myself a job. I am happy for the first time in a long, long time.


what a turnaround. what a completely ridiculous thing i did to myself.


we all make mistakes.


but everything happens for a reason.


the end.